The not so super secret recipe...

You will need.

1 tractor
1 tractor attached cement mixer
Round nose shovels
Tank to hold large quantity of water
Trailer to carry tank
4x4 vehicle to tow trailer
Three 5 gal buckets/pails

Ingredients.

1 big ass load of gravel
Whole lotta bags 'o cement
100 gals of river water
1 bottle Tylenol arthritis or your preferred over the counter (or otherwise who am I to judge) muscle pain medication


Take 3 Tylenol arthritis. No sense putting it off...

Tow trailer with tank to river.

Drive back to job site to get the pail you forgot.

Back trailer down boat launch into river.

Put a great deal of faith in the person in the truck holding the brake and stand in trailer and scoop 20 five gal pails of water into tank (remind self that this would be a good time to fix the floor of the trailer...).

Put boards/misc junk on surface of tank so that only half of the water spills out on the way back to the job site.

Preheat cement mixer to 375 deg.

Fill a 5 gal pail 3/4 full of water...strain your back pouring it into the cement mixer.

With a round nose shovel, add 20 heaping scoops of gravel to the cement mixer.

Check water level and adjust to a soupy water/gravel mix. Spit water/gravel mix out of mouth when it splashes (where did that water come from again..?)

Open a bag of Portland cement and pour almost half into 1 pail, some into your boot, almost half into the other pail and the rest on the ground... save some to inhale into your lungs...

Pick up pail of cement and attempt to pour into cement mixer...if bucket is too big for hole or otherwise oddly shaped to not fit (guaranteed) jam arm in with bucket to ensure most of the cement goes in the mixer, ensure you spin at the same RPM as the mixer to avoid much injury (torn skin no longer counts). Be sure you inhale a good portion into your lungs.

Remove bucket and arm (order does not matter). Shake cement from your sleeve. Use shovel to scrape spilled cement from ground, add to mixer. Allow to mix for a few minutes while you gag the cement out of your lungs...

Add 5 heaping shovels of Tylenol... er gravel.

Check consistency of cement, it will either be too dry or too wet, if too dry, add just enough water until it is too wet. If it is too wet, add just enough gravel until it is too dry.

Keep adding gravel/water/cement until you achieve a thick mix or soupy mix, depending on application; a thick mix looks like dark grey baby vomit, a soupy mix will remind you of the time you ate the ice cubes from your drink on that discount Mexican Vacation you took last March, or just say $%^$%&^$ it and use it like that.

Dump cement into wheelbarrow. Since the mixer doesn't dump at an angle conjunctive to the mixer, jamb the sucker underneath and bend something... eventually it will fit.

Scoop up spilled cement with shovel.

Dump cement out of wheelbarrow at almost the exact place you want it (more or less in the form).

Better take a couple more Tylenol...

Repeat 17 times or until you run out of cement/gravel/water/back muscle.